Ok so going to be completely honest now seen my psychiatrist today walked in, been preparing myself all morning will a whole load of lies not sure whether it was for her or me really the fact i didnt want to admit I was doing bad and yeah there’s no point lying to someone who’s been seeing you for 2 years and have pretty much seen everything cause they know your lying, but even though it started off like that im glad i was honest anyway cause it ended up being a helpful appointment
Living with anorexia and bulimia when both are in full swing together fighting against each other its probably the most confusing and distressing time for me i can cope with one but both its too unmanageable my head screams at me for not walking enough or the food iv just eaten, then i have the urge to binge and purge and i fight my hardest against it but the feelings get too intense and it’s like my body gives in and anorexia wants me to walk to compensate but my body wants to sleep, every single day i wake up and say today im not going to do that and some days I win but a lot of the days I dont, i fear the next day everytime I go to sleep cause i dont know what side of the eating disorder ill get tomorrow or if only one side will be present, if only one side of the eating disorder was there i think i could kick its ass, my goal that im setting myself this week is to try and get one side to quieter down and then next week try and get the other side to be quieter like i know its not a quick fix but its got to be done
There comes a time when you need to stop believing the lies you are telling everyone else and start believing what the professionals tell you, start accepting the treatment plan. I need to stop thinking they are wrong and i know better than them when obviously I dont as im the one with this illness that they are treating, i have really big trust issues when it comes to letting others decide what’s best for me i suppose it’s to do with my past, but i need to learn to let the boundaries down a little bit.
My treatment team know im not doing well but i haven’t been entirely honest with them and if im being honest with myself its because I didn’t want them to know that part of the eating disorder i didnt want it taken away from me, im scared to let that last little bit of anorexia go after 13 years of her being by my side, but i am also scared to keep her.i have to just force myself to be honest with them and not listen to the eating disorder or the lies it tells
It is so beautiful outside the sun is shining and i just want to go out walking through the fields down to the beach, mentally i think i can do this its ok but physically i know i cant at the minute sat here still in my pjs feeling so lazy but realistically im not very well at the minute and should be conserving my energy, but it doesnt stop me wanting to do i love the outdoors its when im most at peace but i am going to listen to my body and rest, i have group in 2 days I cant go up there looking how i look now i need to look healthy
A couple of drawings that i done today and yesterday its been a while since i have drew like this but after a horrifically bad week this really helped to get some pent up frustration and emotions out, i still don’t feel amazing but a little lighter than i did
The next couple of weeks im going to be busy with appointments and seeing family but things are going slightly better than they were in on day 4 binge purge free which im super proud of normally its every other day but on Saturday i went and had my lip pierced for 2 reasons really 1. Because I have wanted it done for so long and 2. To break the cycle and so far its worked and its got to stay like that because I cant get it infected.
I’m still attending groups twice a week tomorrow i have health awareness group im really looking forward to it we are creating wellness posters (I love art).
I’m really worried about my appointments next week im seeing my therapist i havent seen her for 6 weeks and then on Thursday before group of agreed to be weighed and have a body composition im really worried about both aspects of this i haven’t been weighed in ages and my last body comp was like 8 months ago i hope it hasn’t changed too much
Saw the dietition this week and im on a new meal plan again she was trying to reassure me that I wouldn’t gain weight on the plan because it was below a maintenance plan i still need to work my way up to the maintenance then the restoration plan im so completely freaked out by this because whats on the plan seems far too much already i think its my head playing games with me but the fear has over taken me, i had to have a double snack that day or I wasn’t allowed to drive home I sat there and shook the whole time whilst having it im not used to being made to have a food snack and being watched eat it to me i felt everyone was over reacting im not that bad