Lockdown

Day 4 lockdown another day of not really doing anything its taking its toll on my mental health and still atleast another 17 days to go, my mind is constantly racing with eating disorder thoughts and generally feeling depressed.

My eating disorder is hating me sitting in for this long i normally have to be constantly busy and doing something but where we are on lockdown i havent got alot i can do in a day and the one walk a day is killing me i normally spend majority of my day walking, im struggling to eat anything because it just feels too mucb where im not doing anything that can make up for the food its just sitting there and im going to keep piling on the weight realistically i know its not possible with the amount im eating but it certainly does feel like it. The dizziness started again today and the stomach cramps are back. Its been a long time since i have felt like this and had the sort of thoughts to do with my eating disorder im struggling to know the difference between ed thoughts and actually rational thinking.

Writing this at 3am as my insomnia is back hoping i can sleep soon that alone will help with everything

For now im going to go ill check in again for another update soon

Lockdown day 3

Day 3 in lockdown

Its not going so well, im barely eating , im drinking, im convinced im gaining weight everyday because of all the sitting down and no exercise. My suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance i keep being told to stop taking the risks i am (i wont mention them)

My nurse is concerned about how fast im going down hill when they cant see me to monitor me which my eating disorder is absolutely loving, im not slipping on purpose i just cant control it the thoughts are so bad at the moment

Only another 18 days atleast to go

Checking in, covid-19

This is a difficult time for anyone and its going to feel stressful and anxiety provoking and thats ok its a “normal” human reaction,

Iv been working towards discharge with my nurse up until now because i was doing really well. But because i slipped quite a bit my discharge was put back so i can be in the best possible stage before that happens.

I relapsed pretty badly after a state of extreme hunger, i was hungry no matter what i had eaten nothing seemed to fill me up, i had this for about 6 weeks, looking back now it was probably my body trying to repair itself after the years of damage the eating disorder did to it.

Im really stressed due to covid-19 i have no face to face contact with any of my supports basically im isolated on my own and i miss my family, my thoughts are running riot, the eating disorder is loving it, i can barely eat because of the anxiety. I need to get a grip on things i need to go food shopping but the world has gone crazy with bulk buying and stockpiling so its gard to get anything you need for a mealplan and i normally have anxiety attacks in supermarkets, online shopping isnt an option at the moment every slot has been booked up for weeks so im going to have to brave it go early and hope for the best because i need food and i cant afford to go back anymore i dont have anyone monitoring me physically at the minute and it sounds dramatic but the truth is this could get dangerous pretty quickly im not in the best health as it is im feeling pretty weak so i need to put some energy in even if its just enough to survive

Stay safe and stay at home the most you can thats the only way you can protect yourself, check in with people everyday even just over the phone so your not totally isolated from the world

Feeling quite lost im trying my hardest to stick to my meal plan but i got ill a couple weeks ago with flu then a chest infection and lost my appetite but now im nearly better my hunger is back but worse im trying hard not to stray from my plan but then the binges happen it seems the more i eat the more i binge my nurse says its cause im still not eating enough but in all honesty i just feel like a greedy pig im really struggling to see a way out of this 🙄

Its been a while since i have posted anything, i havent dropped of the end of the earth just been busy with life, i moved into supported accommodation 3 months ago it was really rocky to start with but its starting to feel like home.

Eating disorder wise things are better but not where i want them to be. Im generally eating 3 meals a day but the bingeing and purging still happens not quite as much. My exercise isnt very good at the moment its very much compulsive i hate to admit that. Last week i was told by my doctor that its showed up on my blood tests that my muscles are breaking down it can be quite serious affecting the skeletal,brain or heart muscle, even though i have been told this im pretty much burying my head in the sand and doing what i do when im stressed exercising till i have blisters. Relapsed with laxatives after 12 weeks and diet pills after 6 months and restriction which leads to bingeing i will get back on track i always do but i think at the minute i dont know how to deal with things

How im doing

Im on day 4 binge/purge free and i couldnt be happier about it, i hope i never do it again but im not going to rule it out completely because slips happen and im just breaking every single day into 3 from morning till lunch, from lunch until dinner and from dinner to bed it make its so much easier to come with and thats how i manage each day at the moment just focusing on a few hors at a time i still need to increase my intake but at the moment one little step at a time

Binge purge

Ok so this a first for me Iv never wrote a post when I’m having the urges to binge and purge before.

Iv literally just finished bingeing and purging my whole body is shaking and I’m dizzy, but the urge is there to do it again, I don’t want to and I will say that I’m not going to I’m hoping by me writing on here it’ll help me not do it.

I don’t understand how screwed up this illness for days I have felt really poorly due to it but then I do the same things that’s making me ill and feel ten times worse, each day I wake up and say I’m not going to do it and then I do today has been less than the other days but still it’s not good enough

Sorry I will try and post something more positive next time